change can be painful. having our character honed and pruned and altered is often a process that is long, tedious and less than comfortable.
we all want the end result. the thin body without squelching our love affair with the couch and mr ben and jerry, we all want to have a best friend who listens, loves and is loyal without going through the growing pains of relationship building; we all want the clean house without actually getting on our knees to scrub the bathroom floor; and we all want to be compassionate, loving people without experiencing the pain and frustration that threshes out all the waste that lies within our hearts.
i'm sitting smack dab in the middle of pruning. it's so hard. it's lonely, painful, tiring.
samuel is a kid with lots of facets. beauty, brains, compassion, creativity. he also has some major struggles that have carried diagnoses from ADHD to bipolar to aspergers disorder, and sensory integration disorder among others. he doesn't do well with change, he doesn't do well without his daddy, and we have just experienced major change with saying goodbye to dad. he's having a very hard time. he processes it with extreme mood changes, emotion, crying, rocking, anxiety, panic, anger, and fear. it's hard for me to comfort him and reassure him when he is so hysterical that he can no longer hear. the other kids world have been rocked by daddy leaving too, and watching samuel's very dramatic and sometimes frightening responses builds anxiety in them. i'm feeling poured out and dry, trying so hard to lovingly soothe my beautiful son who is so broken, while feeling daily shattered myself. the truth is, i haven't had much time to think about how hard it is without trevor because when samuel is like this, he takes every ounce of energy i have and all my focus. it's not fair to him, my other kids, or myself. but, it is our life.
i long to be changed. i long to glorify the one who holds me in his hand... but i struggle. i weep, i heave, i feel alone, inadequate, forgotten, and fearful. i know that the end result is good fruit as long as i allow Him to protect my heart while also realizing that my emotions can be deceptive.. it's a hard and tiring road to walk.
thank you for your prayers. i am exhausted. blinking in the reality that one week is all we have behind us, knowing that samuel often doesn't just 'get better' with time. wondering how to take care of me, the others and help him.
my parents and my grandmother are coming tomorrow. it's perfect timing. i need to be able to come up for air and refresh myself to prepare for days ahead. i am relieved to have help, and know it will be good for him. please keep praying. pray that when they leave that he doesn't spiral out of control again. pray that i have wisdom on how to best minister to him and love him and care for him and the others. thank you friends.... thank you....
Comments (4)
My dear sweet friend. At sit here with tears streaming down my face for you. I am praying, my heart is broken for you. I love you.
Keeping you all in my prayers! I remember my sweet Samuel when I did nursery for the youth group at Vineyard!
Father, we ask that YOU step in and bring peace where there is no peace. That YOU bring calm where there isno calm. Speak joy and life and overhhelming peace to this family that is hurting so much right now. Cradle Samuel in Your strong, gentle arms and bring calm to his spirit. Bring Heather everything she needs. May You permeate every cell of her being, helping her to thrive. Be their strong tower, their refuge. In Jesus' name, amen.
Love you, friend!
Heather,
I ran into my friend Leigh Ann at the soccer field the other day. She has four precious children - with twins in the middle that are near Anna's age. Her sweet pre-teen son has a brain tumor. (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nathanschmitz)
Feeling God's leading, they chose to take treatment in Atlanta. They travel back and forth week after week. The other kids are home with the "spare" parent, homeschooling and trying to stay "normal" ... whatever that means.
As I stood there in the cold mud with a spring breeze to my back and bright sun in my eyes, she confessed, "Sometimes I think, ' I don't want to do this any more ' .... but, ya know, I really don't have a choice." Those words still ring in my head. I've thought them myself, but I've NEVER been through ANYTHING close to what she's going through ...
or you.
I'm sorry. I'm thankful that you have a heart that reaches out and eyes that look UP. You amaze me that you know that these things have a strengthening, purifying, compassion-building purpose.
... oh, that I can be so brave should I be put in your position.
I love you.
You are my hero.
No ... really.
-|<@ren