I'M MOVING! 

 

my blog is finding a newer, hipper, more mature home.  i hope you come with me.  now all of you lurkers can comment... without having an account.  hooray!  what will they think of next? :)

 

drum roll please..

 

www.honestybecomesher.wordpress.com

 

change can be painful. having our character honed and pruned and altered is often a process that is long, tedious and less than comfortable.

we all want the end result. the thin body without squelching our love affair with the couch and mr ben and jerry, we all want to have a best friend who listens, loves and is loyal without going through the growing pains of relationship building; we all want the clean house without actually getting on our knees to scrub the bathroom floor; and we all want to be compassionate, loving people without experiencing the pain and frustration that threshes out all the waste that lies within our hearts.

i'm sitting smack dab in the middle of pruning. it's so hard. it's lonely, painful, tiring.

samuel is a kid with lots of facets. beauty, brains, compassion, creativity. he also has some major struggles that have carried diagnoses from ADHD to bipolar to aspergers disorder, and sensory integration disorder among others. he doesn't do well with change, he doesn't do well without his daddy, and we have just experienced major change with saying goodbye to dad. he's having a very hard time. he processes it with extreme mood changes, emotion, crying, rocking, anxiety, panic, anger, and fear. it's hard for me to comfort him and reassure him when he is so hysterical that he can no longer hear. the other kids world have been rocked by daddy leaving too, and watching samuel's very dramatic and sometimes frightening responses builds anxiety in them. i'm feeling poured out and dry, trying so hard to lovingly soothe my beautiful son who is so broken, while feeling daily shattered myself. the truth is, i haven't had much time to think about how hard it is without trevor because when samuel is like this, he takes every ounce of energy i have and all my focus. it's not fair to him, my other kids, or myself. but, it is our life.

i long to be changed. i long to glorify the one who holds me in his hand... but i struggle. i weep, i heave, i feel alone, inadequate, forgotten, and fearful. i know that the end result is good fruit as long as i allow Him to protect my heart while also realizing that my emotions can be deceptive.. it's a hard and tiring road to walk.

thank you for your prayers. i am exhausted. blinking in the reality that one week is all we have behind us, knowing that samuel often doesn't just 'get better' with time. wondering how to take care of me, the others and help him.
my parents and my grandmother are coming tomorrow. it's perfect timing. i need to be able to come up for air and refresh myself to prepare for days ahead. i am relieved to have help, and know it will be good for him. please keep praying. pray that when they leave that he doesn't spiral out of control again. pray that i have wisdom on how to best minister to him and love him and care for him and the others. thank you friends.... thank you....